I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
