i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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