Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
