I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He passed out mid-signature
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
