i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
