How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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