I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
