I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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