im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
false alarm. still invincible.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It was confusing and full of hummus
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
