cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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