I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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