Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
