Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
