I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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