Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
