Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
