even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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