ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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