my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
