The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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