So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
