And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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