I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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