the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
