hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
