No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
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I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
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The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It's rum buckets o'clock
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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