So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
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