my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
