90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
