I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
