god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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