My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
