I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I know her cup size but not her name....
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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