Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
