Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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