Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
