Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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