would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
