just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
