ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
