I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I skipped work to stalk him.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
