im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
