just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize