Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
