Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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