I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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