look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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