i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
