I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
