my phone needs a breathalizer
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
