Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
