I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
