my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
