I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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