Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
