Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
