She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
