I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
