Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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