dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
